Author: Al
Posted: 2008-05-14 01:14:29
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Where Is My Bacon
Ninety-nine percent of the Internet is devoted to coalescing all of our varied opinions and lifestyles into one harmonious, homogeneous ball of beautiful conformity. We thugs certainly do our part to contribute to the cause. Whatever the topic, Granny has an opinion that you should share.
But every now and then you run across something that reminds you that most every opinion is vanity. Take, for example, our recent news item. Why is this so funny? For me, the tragic humor is in how we still do this sort of thing today. Humble yourself to read the headlines on the supermarket checkout magazines and you will see one of the many examples I could name. There you will find no shortage of quizzes and tests to rate your spouse.
Today, as in 1939, these dreadful things are four parts fad and one part stupidity. It shouldn't surprise me that we are asked to rate our wives and husbands based on fad. I certainly fall into the trap of rating my friends and peers that way. Can you name anyone who is safe from the phenomenon? I can't. I think the relationship of a husband and wife should be unquestioningly above that sort of thing though.
A lot of you don't. That is plainly evident from our divorce rate. When fads change, it signals the time for the spouse to change themselves, or for you to change the spouse. What other reason would one have to critique the one you vowed to spend the rest of your life with? Well honey, it's time for your yearly review. Let's hope that you make it off probation this time. Honestly, there are going to be layoffs soon, and this is going to make or break you. I'd rather send the dog packing come next quarter, but if you insist on that red nail polish my hands are tied.
That is the problem with fad. Now, we should take a brief look at the mind shattering stupidity in this little test.
“Dresses for breakfast”
Does this guy have any idea what he's saying? What kind of an idiot makes his wife do her hair rather than letting her fix bacon? No, no, honey, you put on something nice and do your makeup. I can wait another hour for the delicious goodness of bacon. Wait. Now I understand. The author of this quiz is gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. But let's examine his assertions carefully. He notices how often she sews. He notices what she wears around the house. He has a preference for her bloody nail color. These are not the kinds of things a straight man can muster the ability to notice, let alone compile a rating system for.
But the coup de' grace for the whole test is as follows:
“11. Religious – Sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself (10) [sic. The 10 means this is a very important item.]
12. Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays.”
What the hell? This has to be a joke right? They're even side by side. I guess if you're going to rate your wife like this, you might as well be a hypocrite too.
But there's the trap. Even if this rating scale was brilliant and free of petty fads, it's still wrong. The desire to put a score on someone you share a sacred bond with betrays a deep personal flaw. I don't love Nik because she cooks me bacon, nor because she is a neat housekeeper. It is the center of our faith that you cannot love someone for a reason. If you do, one day, the reason may be gone. Worse yet, you might completely corrupt the person to keep the reason alive.
The Eternal has no reason to love us, and yet he does. That is our model, and we fail to notice it almost every single day. There is no speakable answer to the question “Why do you love me?” Every poets' attempt to do so is either vanity, ignorance, or pandering. The human tongue cannot speak it. The human mind cannot wrap around it. Only the soul can know it. I know that kind of love for you, Nik. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever understand that such a thing existed. Not until I met you.
Now go fix me some bacon you red fingered harlot. |
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